I know a lot of people are praying for me. I am so thankful. I need all the prayer I can get. I am thankful that you are willing to love me by praying for me. I never really noticed this verse before, but when I read it this time, it felt perfect for me. Maybe it's because I've never felt like I needed prayer so much in my life as I feel I do now. And maybe I never felt like I needed to be delivered from anything before, but I do now. The Lord's prayer comes to mind....deliver me from evil.
Philippians 1:19 For I know that as you pray for me and as the Spirit of Jesus Christ helps me, this will all turn out for my deliverance.
Your prayers for me and for others do make a difference. I realize now more than ever, the value of someone else's prayers on my behalf.
As you pray for me and the Spirit...helps me...this will all turn out for my deliverance. That's a pretty strong and sure statement. Is it just a matter of believing it? Sometimes I get so mixed up...do I just need to believe it's true for me or do I just trust that whether any deliverance comes or not I know I am in God's hand. I guess it's both and?? What do you think?
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Having the mind of Christ
I have been thinking a lot about having the mind of Christ. How do we know when we have it or when we don't have it? I think we can think we have it, but we can be wrong. And if we think we have the mind of Christ, then maybe we are in a dangerous spot. I want to always be in need of Him and be aware of that need. My neediness gives God room to do something great for me. I read a lot this week about God raising people from the dead...Jairus' daughter and Lazarus. Both of them were already dead before Jesus arrived. Jesus was aware of what had transpired and the sorrow of the families, even though He wasn't giving them the attention they thought they needed. He revived Lazarus & Jairus' daughter when it seemed too late...they had already been long dead. It sounds to me like it's never too late. I often get caught up in the "It feels too late", "I want to quit", "I can't do this anymore" mentalities. I feel long dead, but if I were alive, I wouldn't need God to perform a miracle on my behalf that would bring Him glory. But now I am waiting in expectation that He will somehow help me through this...either giving me strength a day at a time (thanks for that reminder dad), or by some miracle of revival or deliverance.
Here are the verses I have read about having the mind of Christ:
Rom 1:21 Yes they knew God, but they wouldn't worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. The result was their minds became dark and confused. Claiming to be wise, they became utter fools instead.
I don't know about you, but I think I have some foolish ideas of what God is like and that has confused me. I know I've listened to some foolish ideas about God that have confused me. And I know other people who are Christians who struggle with the same thing. Part of it is that we don't believe God is who He says He is and we don't believe God can do what He says He can do. (Here's a plug for Beth Moore's Believing God book). I pray that I will have the mind of Christ more and more, but want that that desire never be satisfied in me.
Rom. 8:6-8 If your sinful nature controls your mind there is death. But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace.
Rom. 7:23-25 But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a salve to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.
Tit 1:15-16 Everything is pure to those whose hearts are pure. But nothing is pure to those who are corrupt and unbelieving, because their minds and consciences are defiled. Such people claim they know God, but they deny him by the way they live. They are dispicable and disobedient, worthless for doing anything.
Those are pretty strong words: worthless, dispicable. And there's that word "unbelieving". Now I'm curious what the exact definition of defile is...so let me look it up:
Defile - To make foul, dirty, or unclean, pollute, taint
I take that to mean that if we don't believe God, we are tainted. Our minds are affected in a negative way and our actions too. Don't you think we all have some measure of unbelief? I don't want to deny Him by the way I live. I guess I should pray for the mind of Christ and that I would believe in Him for all things and in all circumstances.
Here are the verses I have read about having the mind of Christ:
Rom 1:21 Yes they knew God, but they wouldn't worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. The result was their minds became dark and confused. Claiming to be wise, they became utter fools instead.
I don't know about you, but I think I have some foolish ideas of what God is like and that has confused me. I know I've listened to some foolish ideas about God that have confused me. And I know other people who are Christians who struggle with the same thing. Part of it is that we don't believe God is who He says He is and we don't believe God can do what He says He can do. (Here's a plug for Beth Moore's Believing God book). I pray that I will have the mind of Christ more and more, but want that that desire never be satisfied in me.
Rom. 8:6-8 If your sinful nature controls your mind there is death. But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace.
Rom. 7:23-25 But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a salve to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.
Tit 1:15-16 Everything is pure to those whose hearts are pure. But nothing is pure to those who are corrupt and unbelieving, because their minds and consciences are defiled. Such people claim they know God, but they deny him by the way they live. They are dispicable and disobedient, worthless for doing anything.
Those are pretty strong words: worthless, dispicable. And there's that word "unbelieving". Now I'm curious what the exact definition of defile is...so let me look it up:
Defile - To make foul, dirty, or unclean, pollute, taint
I take that to mean that if we don't believe God, we are tainted. Our minds are affected in a negative way and our actions too. Don't you think we all have some measure of unbelief? I don't want to deny Him by the way I live. I guess I should pray for the mind of Christ and that I would believe in Him for all things and in all circumstances.
A few songs I've been singing lately
When the Wind Comes Up
When the wind comes up and the waves get rough
My Jesus alone in the boat is enough
For me to put my trust in Him
Jesus gives peace within
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Oh greater is He who lives in me
Than he who is in the world
I Cast All My Cares Upon You
I cast all my cares upon you
I lay all of my burdens down at your feet
And anytime I don't know what to do
I will cast all my cares upon you.
Dwell by Casey Corum
Dwell in the midst of us
Come and dwell in this place
Dwell in the midst of us
Come and have Your way
Dwell in the midst of us
Wipe all the tears from our faces
Dwell in the midst of us
You can have Your way
Not our will, but Yours be done
Come and change us
Not our will, but Yours be done
Come sustain us
When the wind comes up and the waves get rough
My Jesus alone in the boat is enough
For me to put my trust in Him
Jesus gives peace within
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Oh greater is He who lives in me
Than he who is in the world
I Cast All My Cares Upon You
I cast all my cares upon you
I lay all of my burdens down at your feet
And anytime I don't know what to do
I will cast all my cares upon you.
Dwell by Casey Corum
Dwell in the midst of us
Come and dwell in this place
Dwell in the midst of us
Come and have Your way
Dwell in the midst of us
Wipe all the tears from our faces
Dwell in the midst of us
You can have Your way
Not our will, but Yours be done
Come and change us
Not our will, but Yours be done
Come sustain us
Friday, July 28, 2006
Pictures from Mom & Dad's visit and Junction City, OR trip
Sean basking in the sun with the sea lions or are the sea lions basking in the sun with Sean? 
Bailey my cute Neice Pup. What a face : ) 
Sea lion cave....can you see them all?
Nanny and Timothy replicating Mt. Sinai on an Oregon coast beach.
Bailey my cute Neice Pup. What a face : ) 
Sea lion cave....can you see them all?
Nanny and Timothy replicating Mt. Sinai on an Oregon coast beach.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Poem by Elizabeth Prentiss
Come unto me, my kindred, I enfold you
In an embrace to sufferers only known;
Close to this heart I tenderly will hold you,
Suppress no sigh, keep back no tear, no moan.
Thou Man of Sorrows, teach my lips that often
Have told the sacred story of my woe,
To speak of Thee till stony griefs I soften,
Till hearts that know Thee not learn Thee to know.
Till peace takes place of storm and agitation,
Till lying on the current of Thy will
There shall be glorying in tribulation,
And Christ Himself each empty heart shall fill.
In an embrace to sufferers only known;
Close to this heart I tenderly will hold you,
Suppress no sigh, keep back no tear, no moan.
Thou Man of Sorrows, teach my lips that often
Have told the sacred story of my woe,
To speak of Thee till stony griefs I soften,
Till hearts that know Thee not learn Thee to know.
Till peace takes place of storm and agitation,
Till lying on the current of Thy will
There shall be glorying in tribulation,
And Christ Himself each empty heart shall fill.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Risk
I am currently reading "Healing is a Choice" by Stephen Arterburn. He says some very wise things that apply directly to my life at this moment. I especially like the parts I have underlined and specifically the bolded part - it relates directly to my first post on this blog. I am so tired of everyone living self-protecting lives, myself included. How blah we are. How sick we are. God help us.
The chapter is called The Choice to Risk Your Life:
One of my favorite quotes of all time will most likely be familiar to you. It is from a speech by Theodore Roosevelt. It remains one of the greatest motivational speeches ever written. Here is how he addressed the issue of risk and choosing to live a life that is too safe:
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who stives valiantly; who errs and comes up short again and again; who knows the great tnthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievements; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
I love those words, and they inspire me to move forward in spite of my fears. The worst that can happen to me is that I might lose, but if I lose, God is there for me, loving me as He always does. One of the reasons you may not be willing to risk has to do wiht your concept of God and His love. His love allows us to go beyond our fears even to the point of failing over and over again. If we are not willing to risk and willing to fail as we learn from failing, then we may have a problem in the area of our love relationship with God.
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18 NIV)
If you have a riskless nature, it may be because you have a loveless nature. Your love relationship with God might be all messed up. You might be so afraid that He will punish you that you are unwilling to step out and enjoy your life by living it to the fullest and using it to serve others. If you live in fear of punishment rather than in the confidence of God's love, it is no wonder that you don't want to risk. You must have God's love, God's Spirit, and God's power if you are to conquer your fears and move into risking your life.
"God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline" (w Tim. 1:7 NIV).
If you are living in fear, you are not living as God intended; He wants you free from fear. He wants to help you move from fear to fearless, willing to take risks with your life so you can feel what life can become. His love is so powerful that if you work through whatever keeps you from experiencing it, you can feel the safety you have been longing for and trying to create in your attempts to avoid risk.
In God's love we are free to love and to love again. We are free to give all of ourselves to another person, knowing that we might experience rejection all over again. In God's love we can fail, because we know that He will take that failure and make something spectacular from it. Knowing that, we ease off building our protective barriers and begin to live life a little more freely and fully.
If you are holding on way too tight, I am writing to encourage you to let go. I am hopeful that you can release your grip and allow God to guid you into some situations that are scary for you. God said, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you!" (Heb. 13:5 NIV). I am going to ask you to stop right now and just meditate a moment on that passage.
God will never forsake you. There is nothing you can do to run God off. He will never leave you. God will always be there for you. God is the best thing you have going for you. God loves you and will be there to help you pick up the pieces and put them back together again in the form of something far more beautiful than the original. God created you and will always be there for you.
There are many excuses you have used to play it safe. They have worked well for you in your goal to avoid risk, but they have not worked well for you in living a great life. To live a great life you must have risk. You cannot love unless you risk. You cannot even care about someone unless you risk. There is always the change that you will be rejected when you put a part of yourself or all of yourself out there. You canot connect without risk. Loving, caring and connecting - those vital elements of life that give it meaning and purpose - are great reasons to risk.
You cannot make your world small enough to be risk free.
Risk is a healer. It demands faith and trust. It eliminates a lifestyle of self-preservation. Self-preservation and protection ignore the power of God, because you cannot be healed and still be living under your own power. Those who are healed live by the grace of God and in God's power. Each time you step out under God's power, you heal a little of the fear that developed from your troubled past. You have to fully trust God and walk in His power before that last ounce of soul sickness is healed.
You can't allow yourself to be healed if you are holding back and trying to protect yourself from what cannot be prevented - trials and sorrows. You are going to have them, and when you take a risk and move into them under God's power rather than defend against them under your own power, you are choosing to heal.
The great preacher Charles Haddon Spurgeon said, "Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows but only empties today of its strength." You cannot lead a healed life in anxiety. It will rob you of the strength you need today. It will steal from you the tomorrow you were born to enjoy.
The answer for those who need healing from a risk-adverse life is found in 1 Pet. 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (NIV).
Write down what it is you are afraid of. Write out what you have held on to for yourself and what you need to do to give all all your life to God. What needs to take place to feel the peace God has given you and then the courage to go out and live life even though you might be hurt again?
The big lie is" "I must protect myself from any more pain." If you have tried to live your life that way, I have a question for you. How is it going so far? What kind of life is a life of defense, always looking for the next bad thing to deflect away? What you can do is trust God each time a hurt comes along. Trust that while you don't have the power to protect yourself, He has the power to turn every hurt into something that improves who you are and glorifies Him.
The chapter is called The Choice to Risk Your Life:
One of my favorite quotes of all time will most likely be familiar to you. It is from a speech by Theodore Roosevelt. It remains one of the greatest motivational speeches ever written. Here is how he addressed the issue of risk and choosing to live a life that is too safe:
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who stives valiantly; who errs and comes up short again and again; who knows the great tnthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievements; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
I love those words, and they inspire me to move forward in spite of my fears. The worst that can happen to me is that I might lose, but if I lose, God is there for me, loving me as He always does. One of the reasons you may not be willing to risk has to do wiht your concept of God and His love. His love allows us to go beyond our fears even to the point of failing over and over again. If we are not willing to risk and willing to fail as we learn from failing, then we may have a problem in the area of our love relationship with God.
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18 NIV)
If you have a riskless nature, it may be because you have a loveless nature. Your love relationship with God might be all messed up. You might be so afraid that He will punish you that you are unwilling to step out and enjoy your life by living it to the fullest and using it to serve others. If you live in fear of punishment rather than in the confidence of God's love, it is no wonder that you don't want to risk. You must have God's love, God's Spirit, and God's power if you are to conquer your fears and move into risking your life.
"God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline" (w Tim. 1:7 NIV).
If you are living in fear, you are not living as God intended; He wants you free from fear. He wants to help you move from fear to fearless, willing to take risks with your life so you can feel what life can become. His love is so powerful that if you work through whatever keeps you from experiencing it, you can feel the safety you have been longing for and trying to create in your attempts to avoid risk.
In God's love we are free to love and to love again. We are free to give all of ourselves to another person, knowing that we might experience rejection all over again. In God's love we can fail, because we know that He will take that failure and make something spectacular from it. Knowing that, we ease off building our protective barriers and begin to live life a little more freely and fully.
If you are holding on way too tight, I am writing to encourage you to let go. I am hopeful that you can release your grip and allow God to guid you into some situations that are scary for you. God said, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you!" (Heb. 13:5 NIV). I am going to ask you to stop right now and just meditate a moment on that passage.
God will never forsake you. There is nothing you can do to run God off. He will never leave you. God will always be there for you. God is the best thing you have going for you. God loves you and will be there to help you pick up the pieces and put them back together again in the form of something far more beautiful than the original. God created you and will always be there for you.
There are many excuses you have used to play it safe. They have worked well for you in your goal to avoid risk, but they have not worked well for you in living a great life. To live a great life you must have risk. You cannot love unless you risk. You cannot even care about someone unless you risk. There is always the change that you will be rejected when you put a part of yourself or all of yourself out there. You canot connect without risk. Loving, caring and connecting - those vital elements of life that give it meaning and purpose - are great reasons to risk.
You cannot make your world small enough to be risk free.
Risk is a healer. It demands faith and trust. It eliminates a lifestyle of self-preservation. Self-preservation and protection ignore the power of God, because you cannot be healed and still be living under your own power. Those who are healed live by the grace of God and in God's power. Each time you step out under God's power, you heal a little of the fear that developed from your troubled past. You have to fully trust God and walk in His power before that last ounce of soul sickness is healed.
You can't allow yourself to be healed if you are holding back and trying to protect yourself from what cannot be prevented - trials and sorrows. You are going to have them, and when you take a risk and move into them under God's power rather than defend against them under your own power, you are choosing to heal.
The great preacher Charles Haddon Spurgeon said, "Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows but only empties today of its strength." You cannot lead a healed life in anxiety. It will rob you of the strength you need today. It will steal from you the tomorrow you were born to enjoy.
The answer for those who need healing from a risk-adverse life is found in 1 Pet. 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (NIV).
Write down what it is you are afraid of. Write out what you have held on to for yourself and what you need to do to give all all your life to God. What needs to take place to feel the peace God has given you and then the courage to go out and live life even though you might be hurt again?
The big lie is" "I must protect myself from any more pain." If you have tried to live your life that way, I have a question for you. How is it going so far? What kind of life is a life of defense, always looking for the next bad thing to deflect away? What you can do is trust God each time a hurt comes along. Trust that while you don't have the power to protect yourself, He has the power to turn every hurt into something that improves who you are and glorifies Him.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Even More Garden Photos
I'm the official garden photographer, thus the plethora of garden photos. I can't help but share them with you. The garden is SO beautiful. I think you will agree.
Tomatoes
Squash
Aaron and Bill rolling and fastening a cage to put around the tomatoes.
Tomatoes
Squash
Aaron and Bill rolling and fastening a cage to put around the tomatoes.
Check out the bees on the flowers in these next two pictures.
Peppers - I think they are chili peppers
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Another song
You Did This
Isaiah 53
It was my weaknesses You carried
It was my sorrows that weighed You down
It was my sinfulness that pierced You
It was my punishment You bore
Forgive me for my sin
Forgive me for my piece
Forgive me for my sin
Forgive me for my piece
You knew the cost and still obeyed
Jesus suffering servant, my Savior my love
I’m grateful for your gift
You knew what this would accomplish
You did this for me
You did this for my peace
You did this for me
You did this for my peace
Vonda SellersMay 2006
Isaiah 53
It was my weaknesses You carried
It was my sorrows that weighed You down
It was my sinfulness that pierced You
It was my punishment You bore
Forgive me for my sin
Forgive me for my piece
Forgive me for my sin
Forgive me for my piece
You knew the cost and still obeyed
Jesus suffering servant, my Savior my love
I’m grateful for your gift
You knew what this would accomplish
You did this for me
You did this for my peace
You did this for me
You did this for my peace
Vonda SellersMay 2006
Saturday, July 01, 2006
One of the songs I've written
Besides gardening therapy, I write songs for therapy too. Here is one I have written:
Follow Anyway
Heb. 12:3,7 Isa. 30:21
You endured the cross
Carried the sin of us all
You followed the Father anyway
I don’t understand
Why You lead me this way
I follow You Father anyway
Chorus
Be that voice saying,
“This is the way
Walk in it”, and I will
What lies ahead?
Where’s the solid ground?
I’ll follow You Father anyway
Be that voice saying,
“This is the way
Walk in it”, and I will
Vonda Sellers2005
Follow Anyway
Heb. 12:3,7 Isa. 30:21
You endured the cross
Carried the sin of us all
You followed the Father anyway
I don’t understand
Why You lead me this way
I follow You Father anyway
Chorus
Be that voice saying,
“This is the way
Walk in it”, and I will
What lies ahead?
Where’s the solid ground?
I’ll follow You Father anyway
Be that voice saying,
“This is the way
Walk in it”, and I will
Vonda Sellers2005
If you want to read another really cool blog...
http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/
This is my cousin Tara's blogspot. She & her husband & kids are missionaries in Haiti. I love them very much. They have all sorts of funny, sad, encouraging, uplifting, thoughtful things to say. You will enjoy their humor. And pray for them if they come to mind.
This is my cousin Tara's blogspot. She & her husband & kids are missionaries in Haiti. I love them very much. They have all sorts of funny, sad, encouraging, uplifting, thoughtful things to say. You will enjoy their humor. And pray for them if they come to mind.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
The Garden
We go once a week to work in the garden at our church. The garden is my serene place. Personally therapeutic as well. 
Friday, June 16, 2006
Trip to Bend, Oregon
Last weekend we went to Bend with Sean & Stacy. We stayed in a lovely condo/resort called Inn of the 7th Mountain. Stacy's parents own it and we can use it at cost - all we pay is the cleaning fee - no matter how many days we stay : )
We went on a hike the first afternoon. Here are Aaron & TJ. They climbed up into this rock cove.
The cave men.
Strongman Timothy
We went on a hike the first afternoon. Here are Aaron & TJ. They climbed up into this rock cove.
Stacy and I overlooking part of Paulina lake and to the right is the obisidan rock flow. Breathtaking.
Aaron being the crazy man that he is.
Sean being the crazy man that he is. This water is ice cold - there was snow all around & of course it is all run off from the melting snow in the mountains. Oh, and he's wearing flip flops.
Spelunking in the Lava Rock Cave. When we came out of that cold cave, Sean was literally steaming.
The cave men.
This is my picture of God bringing growth in the midst of devastation. 
Strongman Timothy
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Pain
I didn't intend to start a blog tonight. But I happened to come across a blog of a pastor who was just fired from his church. I, having experienced it, am very compassionate about people who might feel the pain that I have felt. Maybe it was a divine appointment? I posted a comment on their blog and hope they find comfort in knowing other people out there have experienced what they are going through.
The whole reason I stumbled onto the blog in the first place was because of my neediness in regards to being fired from the church. It's been nearly 2 years, but the pain is still real and sometimes raw, especially today. Here is what I typed into the search engine: "pastor's who have been hurt in the ministry". Yes, I was definitely needy. And the really cool thing is, is that God gave me someone to encourage, in the midst of my neediness.
Why I'm needy tonight: (Stick with me through this long explanation)...I just finished a 10 week Beth Moore Bible study called The Patriarchs. An excellent study! Beth has a love for Jesus that is contagious. Oh how I want God to breathe that into my life.
Here is the story behind the Bible study - there were 6 ladies (out of maybe 12) who attended this Bible study who are from the church we were fired from. Oh, I knew 3 of them were going to be there. One of them I had maintained a friendship with (Cara). The 2nd one was the wife of the pastor that fired us (Jean) and I was working on mending that relationship. The 3rd lady I hadn't seen since the week we were asked to leave (Mary). I assume the 3 other ladies that I had never met, had no idea that we were formerly on staff at their church nor did they know the turmoil that we'd experienced. Let's just say there was A LOT of water under the bridge. It felt like there were way too many crazy dynamics for me to be able to open up my life in this group. Some knew the history. Some didn't know a thing. Some were now linked to the church and it probably wouldn't do any good to dredge up history in front of them, etc.
Call me dumb, but I just didn't anticipate the pain I would feel when I walked into that room. I wanted to run out of the room. I felt like I was about to panic. The thought ran through my mind, "I just can't do this. I've got to get out of here!" But I stayed. I'm glad I stayed. I wanted to hear God's word so much more than I cared about the pain I was feeling and might continue to feel. I didn't add much to the conversations week to week, but I was able to soak in the study and hear what other people had to say. People didn't know what to think of me...just a quiet wall flower, but I didn't really care what other people thought. Every step I take that causes me to face the pain might bring me one step closer to being whole again. Or at least less of a basket case. I think the fact that I didn't run from attending this Bible study will make the next difficult thing seem less difficult.
Are you still with me? So tonight, after the Bible study, Jean and I spoke in depth for maybe the 3rd or 4th time in 2 years. And as I said, we have been working on reconciliation (slowly), so we have finally been getting down to some serious heart issues. It is so painful to share my wounded heart with a person who has been a part of my wounding. But by God's grace, I've been able to do that to a large extent. It is just amazing to me how much I can feel His strength in my weakness and brokenness. I have never experienced that before. My whole paradox is this: there is a deep longing in me for complete restoration & reconciliation. God must have put that in me. He desires it. I know the Flinns desire the reconciliation too. But there is this self protective thing inside me that screams, "YOU'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME - EVERYTHING, AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU THE ONLY THING I HAVE LEFT, THE THING THAT IS MOST PRECIOUS TO ME - MY HEART". Stubbornly I want to refuse them that. I find it hard to allow them back into my life in a deep way. All that's left is for me to yield that last little bit. I've done so much of the work already, why would I want to quit now? I've spent 2 years wrestling through my pain with God. I've spent 2 years depending on God to bring healing to a situation that was a complete mess. Yet I still want to run from it all. I don't want them to have the privilege to see into my deepest thoughts and feelings. I want to withhold that from them. Do they deserve to see into my heart? Do they deserve to know my deepest feelings? If I hold back from them in this way, really what I'm saying to them is, "You're not worth it. You aren't worth the pain I have to experience to reconcile with you." But really I know they are worth it. Everyone is worth it. That doesn't make it any easier for me to do what is right. God help me do what is right. Help me know what to say and when to say it. My flesh is so very weak. I want to quit and yet somehow I know I don't want to quit. Help me persevere. Amen.
The whole reason I stumbled onto the blog in the first place was because of my neediness in regards to being fired from the church. It's been nearly 2 years, but the pain is still real and sometimes raw, especially today. Here is what I typed into the search engine: "pastor's who have been hurt in the ministry". Yes, I was definitely needy. And the really cool thing is, is that God gave me someone to encourage, in the midst of my neediness.
Why I'm needy tonight: (Stick with me through this long explanation)...I just finished a 10 week Beth Moore Bible study called The Patriarchs. An excellent study! Beth has a love for Jesus that is contagious. Oh how I want God to breathe that into my life.
Here is the story behind the Bible study - there were 6 ladies (out of maybe 12) who attended this Bible study who are from the church we were fired from. Oh, I knew 3 of them were going to be there. One of them I had maintained a friendship with (Cara). The 2nd one was the wife of the pastor that fired us (Jean) and I was working on mending that relationship. The 3rd lady I hadn't seen since the week we were asked to leave (Mary). I assume the 3 other ladies that I had never met, had no idea that we were formerly on staff at their church nor did they know the turmoil that we'd experienced. Let's just say there was A LOT of water under the bridge. It felt like there were way too many crazy dynamics for me to be able to open up my life in this group. Some knew the history. Some didn't know a thing. Some were now linked to the church and it probably wouldn't do any good to dredge up history in front of them, etc.
Call me dumb, but I just didn't anticipate the pain I would feel when I walked into that room. I wanted to run out of the room. I felt like I was about to panic. The thought ran through my mind, "I just can't do this. I've got to get out of here!" But I stayed. I'm glad I stayed. I wanted to hear God's word so much more than I cared about the pain I was feeling and might continue to feel. I didn't add much to the conversations week to week, but I was able to soak in the study and hear what other people had to say. People didn't know what to think of me...just a quiet wall flower, but I didn't really care what other people thought. Every step I take that causes me to face the pain might bring me one step closer to being whole again. Or at least less of a basket case. I think the fact that I didn't run from attending this Bible study will make the next difficult thing seem less difficult.
Are you still with me? So tonight, after the Bible study, Jean and I spoke in depth for maybe the 3rd or 4th time in 2 years. And as I said, we have been working on reconciliation (slowly), so we have finally been getting down to some serious heart issues. It is so painful to share my wounded heart with a person who has been a part of my wounding. But by God's grace, I've been able to do that to a large extent. It is just amazing to me how much I can feel His strength in my weakness and brokenness. I have never experienced that before. My whole paradox is this: there is a deep longing in me for complete restoration & reconciliation. God must have put that in me. He desires it. I know the Flinns desire the reconciliation too. But there is this self protective thing inside me that screams, "YOU'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME - EVERYTHING, AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU THE ONLY THING I HAVE LEFT, THE THING THAT IS MOST PRECIOUS TO ME - MY HEART". Stubbornly I want to refuse them that. I find it hard to allow them back into my life in a deep way. All that's left is for me to yield that last little bit. I've done so much of the work already, why would I want to quit now? I've spent 2 years wrestling through my pain with God. I've spent 2 years depending on God to bring healing to a situation that was a complete mess. Yet I still want to run from it all. I don't want them to have the privilege to see into my deepest thoughts and feelings. I want to withhold that from them. Do they deserve to see into my heart? Do they deserve to know my deepest feelings? If I hold back from them in this way, really what I'm saying to them is, "You're not worth it. You aren't worth the pain I have to experience to reconcile with you." But really I know they are worth it. Everyone is worth it. That doesn't make it any easier for me to do what is right. God help me do what is right. Help me know what to say and when to say it. My flesh is so very weak. I want to quit and yet somehow I know I don't want to quit. Help me persevere. Amen.
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