Pain

I didn't intend to start a blog tonight. But I happened to come across a blog of a pastor who was just fired from his church. I, having experienced it, am very compassionate about people who might feel the pain that I have felt. Maybe it was a divine appointment? I posted a comment on their blog and hope they find comfort in knowing other people out there have experienced what they are going through.

The whole reason I stumbled onto the blog in the first place was because of my neediness in regards to being fired from the church. It's been nearly 2 years, but the pain is still real and sometimes raw, especially today. Here is what I typed into the search engine: "pastor's who have been hurt in the ministry". Yes, I was definitely needy. And the really cool thing is, is that God gave me someone to encourage, in the midst of my neediness.

Why I'm needy tonight: (Stick with me through this long explanation)...I just finished a 10 week Beth Moore Bible study called The Patriarchs. An excellent study! Beth has a love for Jesus that is contagious. Oh how I want God to breathe that into my life.

Here is the story behind the Bible study - there were 6 ladies (out of maybe 12) who attended this Bible study who are from the church we were fired from. Oh, I knew 3 of them were going to be there. One of them I had maintained a friendship with (Cara). The 2nd one was the wife of the pastor that fired us (Jean) and I was working on mending that relationship. The 3rd lady I hadn't seen since the week we were asked to leave (Mary). I assume the 3 other ladies that I had never met, had no idea that we were formerly on staff at their church nor did they know the turmoil that we'd experienced. Let's just say there was A LOT of water under the bridge. It felt like there were way too many crazy dynamics for me to be able to open up my life in this group. Some knew the history. Some didn't know a thing. Some were now linked to the church and it probably wouldn't do any good to dredge up history in front of them, etc.

Call me dumb, but I just didn't anticipate the pain I would feel when I walked into that room. I wanted to run out of the room. I felt like I was about to panic. The thought ran through my mind, "I just can't do this. I've got to get out of here!" But I stayed. I'm glad I stayed. I wanted to hear God's word so much more than I cared about the pain I was feeling and might continue to feel. I didn't add much to the conversations week to week, but I was able to soak in the study and hear what other people had to say. People didn't know what to think of me...just a quiet wall flower, but I didn't really care what other people thought. Every step I take that causes me to face the pain might bring me one step closer to being whole again. Or at least less of a basket case. I think the fact that I didn't run from attending this Bible study will make the next difficult thing seem less difficult.

Are you still with me? So tonight, after the Bible study, Jean and I spoke in depth for maybe the 3rd or 4th time in 2 years. And as I said, we have been working on reconciliation (slowly), so we have finally been getting down to some serious heart issues. It is so painful to share my wounded heart with a person who has been a part of my wounding. But by God's grace, I've been able to do that to a large extent. It is just amazing to me how much I can feel His strength in my weakness and brokenness. I have never experienced that before. My whole paradox is this: there is a deep longing in me for complete restoration & reconciliation. God must have put that in me. He desires it. I know the Flinns desire the reconciliation too. But there is this self protective thing inside me that screams, "YOU'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME - EVERYTHING, AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU THE ONLY THING I HAVE LEFT, THE THING THAT IS MOST PRECIOUS TO ME - MY HEART". Stubbornly I want to refuse them that. I find it hard to allow them back into my life in a deep way. All that's left is for me to yield that last little bit. I've done so much of the work already, why would I want to quit now? I've spent 2 years wrestling through my pain with God. I've spent 2 years depending on God to bring healing to a situation that was a complete mess. Yet I still want to run from it all. I don't want them to have the privilege to see into my deepest thoughts and feelings. I want to withhold that from them. Do they deserve to see into my heart? Do they deserve to know my deepest feelings? If I hold back from them in this way, really what I'm saying to them is, "You're not worth it. You aren't worth the pain I have to experience to reconcile with you." But really I know they are worth it. Everyone is worth it. That doesn't make it any easier for me to do what is right. God help me do what is right. Help me know what to say and when to say it. My flesh is so very weak. I want to quit and yet somehow I know I don't want to quit. Help me persevere. Amen.